I can't believe I haven't posted since November!!!  Here's a little something I wrote on Sunday...

I'm sitting at my desk. Today is our 5th wedding anniversary. Our children...5, 3.5, 2.5, and 4 months are running around the living room. (Well, the baby is sitting, but you get the idea ) I had actually forgotten for a little while that it was coming up. My WAH came down Friday to see his kids. It was his first visit in about 3.5 months. I left him alone with the kids and went to work out. While I was gone, he loaded up a framed collage of his family...the only pics of them I have for our kids...and a few other odds and ends he had left laying around. I didn't think it would hurt so much, and I should have expected that he would go through all the stuff just laying around. I don't know why I didn't.

He came back Saturday morning around 11. He was gone by 3:30. I had enough time to go to the store, and the tanning bed. (Yes, tanning is very relaxing...the only reason I do it.) While I was in the bed, I started thinking about things that needed done. That's when I realized that the next day was our anniversary. It was all I could do to finish the session and run the rest of my errands. I was a little sad when I got back home. I was teary, but not weepy. When he left, the kids started crying which just tore me apart. I started crying right along with them. He came back in the house and gave them each another hug. I know he saw me crying, and I don't care. I needed to cry and won't apologize for it.

The anniversary for the D bomb is a week from Monday. It's been such a long, yet quick, year. I honestly don't know where I am right now. My work has suffered as a result of this sitch, and a couple of other things. I have a semester next fall to turn it around. My relationship with my kids is better, I think. I'm torn between wanting my husband and wanting to get over him. I want him to spend more time with his kids, but I also hate how sad they after the few occasions he's visited. I want someone to hold me and tell me it's all better, but I also can't imagine a life with anyone other than him. I may be a mess, lol.

My wah did a 'nice' thing for me. He gave me 'his' (probably the OW's in reality) old digital camera. It is pretty nice, and even has a video feature. He showed me how to work it, took some video of the kids, etc...After he left, I was trying to figure it out. I came across a video from his house. It was the OW scrubbing the floor. She was wearing a shirt, socks, and pink panties. He took the time to delete all their other pics, but that. She also wasn't aware he was filming, I'm sure. I really felt nothing when I watched it. I deleted it as soon as I figured out how I can honestly say I have a nicer @ss than that cow The term cottage cheese comes to mind. Does that make me sound petty? I'm really being honest. My lack of emotion when watching it made me wonder. Am I detached too much or just enough? Am I beyond detached and into letting go? I really don't know the answer.

I'm finished with work on Thursday. I have a class to take online. I may take two if I have the $$. I'm going to Chicago again this summer for a week...sans children. I may or may not make friendly with a sailor or 5 Either way, I'll have a good time. I'm going to continue to work out...I am noticing a difference. I'll get my clutter under control...or I'll throw it all away, lol. Plenty of stuff to take to the land fill...If it's not helping me, it's hindering me. So, I have a plan for the summer. It should be much different from last summer.